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This year is one of the worst Iapos;ve ever gone through in my 21 years of living. Particularly this month -�and to think that October is not over yet. Just lots and lots of bull going on with lots of encounters with the devil reincarnates. Everything is so fucked up.�It is�beyond mess; like putting cherry on top of a pile of shit.

Iapos;ve always wondered if it is the action that is evil or just the being; if evil is independent that the being itself is but a sponge that soaks apos;itapos; up or is it just apos;human natureapos; to have an apos;evil boneapos;. So much for studying Philosophy in Uni. When it comes to situations like these, its so easy to just chuck everything youapos;ve come to understand out the window. I believe that a being is not at fault for what supposed crimes heapos;d done.�However most of the time I�have to convince myself this.�A part of myself�want revenge; to hurt, to scream and chuck things.�I would get so angry Iapos;d curse... And then Iapos;d recoil at my own hate.




...I have Law tutorials to do.

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...This makes me lol. Itapos;s an error message I receive when I try to access a "dangerous" website aka when I try to download torrents. It actually displays it in place of the website, so you canapos;t access it at all. To unblock it you have to go into their console and add it to the safe list, so I have all the torrent sites I regularly visit listed. Itapos;s a huge pain in the ass but the doomsday way in which itapos;s written makes me laugh whenever I encounter it.

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Hit Home Depot and got a couple pieces of wood - a 1x24x6apos; and a 1x24x4apos; - and had one of the lumber guys turn the shorter one in to two 2apos;x2apos; squares. These will be the vertical supports for the bench; the 6apos; long one will be the seat itself. I paid for all of this with more cash from the quarters from my change jar. Iapos;ll go back after pay day and get the braces to hold everything together, and the reinforcing metal bits I have in mind so it wonapos;t bow under me.

Stained all 8 uprights for the bookshelves as well as the three pieces of wood for the window seat. May get around to putting a layer of finish on them tomorrow.... Weapos;ll see how much time remains in and about car shopping, which leads me to my next post.

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omgomgomg so diddy totally gave aubrey oapos;day �d.woods the boot they are not in danity kane anymore i dunno about you guys but i am shocked the group is definately nothing without aubrey she was always my fave but i must admit she definately did change the orange skin �heavy make up is definately not a good look on her. I really hope she comes back �tones her look down. Her missing from the group will definately affect the band so it was a bad move on diddyapos;s part. Canapos;t wait for her solo album though i wanna hear what she can do withought the group. I can live without d.woods in the group. I didnapos;t like dawn at first but her personality is amazing so i heart her now. �i must admit that i miss aubrey �aundrea being amigas shannon is sweet so i cant leave this topic without mentioning her.


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The name of the restaurant I had lunch with Jean-Michel. He is such a great company and becoming such a good friend now. He is definitely wiser and he can read my "face" better than any of my other friends. He knew that I was still looking perplexed and troubled. Itapos;s hard to hide things from him but at the same time I am not ready to share my worries with him. I appreciate him for considering me as a friend he could share his "stories" with. Itapos;s always great to get his perspectives on certain issues may that be financial, work, family members, relationships and health.

Messing was always in the back of my mind when I was with Jean-Michel... Some of the things he went through with his past relationships I could relate to them. It is so uncanny to meet a friend who went through the things I am going through at the moment but with different "plots"

Had dinner with my usual circle of friends... Itapos;s always nice spending time with them as it is�a form of temporary escape from everything that�I am facing.

Share your worries with others,�as they share theirs to me. I never think�anything differently of them�when they do, so why should they think�that of me�IF�I do?�A very�valid point from�Jean-Michel. Hope to see him tomorrow.�
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So we are exactly two and a half months to date since the split.

i cannot lie. Some things have gotten SOOOO much better, some things have not changed at all, i feel great for the most part. I have lost 22 pounds. I have reconnected with all of my friends. I have made some really good new ones. I continue to hate my job. I am still in love with brent. And i am one more fish down. I threw away all the dead plants yesterday. I still wake up, though i sleep in an entirely different bed now, and look for him. I have not quit smoking as i planned to do. I am on vacation. I am doing absolutely nothing. That too has its perks and sucks.

perhaps i will leave for grenada today. Perhaps i will not.

and thats whats going on.
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A Convergence of Minds

What are you going to do tomorrow?
I dunno, what are my friends doing?

No, I didnapos;t ask what your friends were doing. Tell me what youapos;re doing. Have a definite plan. Donapos;t be a sheep.
Uh, well..

Be decisive. Indecisiveness will lead to your ultimate downfall.
Hey, arenapos;t you the voice that made me break my leg last year in cross-country freshman year?
Am I? Am I not also the voice that resulted in your receipt of the "Most Mentally Tough" award? Listen to me. I can guide you.

Remember the times when you were not as dependent on human contact? The solitude provided the opportunity for quiet reflection, and the development of a passion, an obsession for academics. Revert. I command thee.
Such a task cannot so easily be completed, my dear friend. The effects of the agonist on the receptor cannot so easily be undone.

Alack, you must at least make the effort to change. I know. I exist only within the cockles of your mind. The more you shy from your fellow beings, the better you will become.
Ah, but that is where youapos;re wrong. The interaction of those around me provides insight on my own behaviors and the ultimate morality of my actions.
Do not be quick to conform to societal views of right and wrong. Have you learned nothing from Emerson?
That was, of course, conditional. Emerson wanted his audience to do this only under certain conditions. One cannot blindly choose to stray from the ideals of society.
This is true. I see my plan is working.
Is there a plan?
It has already commenced.

Tell yourself what you need to do. Do not be swayed by alternate agendas. Keep to it, be firm as the rock, and you will succeed. Cut yourself loose from the bacteria which feed on your very thoughts and pleasures.
Exposure to human beings is my only source of joy.
Is it really? Did you come into the world attached to someone? You are your own person, are you not? Act accordingly, and you will succeed.

I will heed your advice.

Until this very moment, I believed you to be dead.

Food for Thought
The open wound in my heart
Festers
As the bacteria and diseases of life
Feed on the very
Fibers of my happiness.
Disinfection.

Keep your head high
Your eyes opened
Trip into the abyss.


A happy day
Is one spent Satiating
creative passions
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